sometimes i wonder what you and your girlfriend are up to. having a good day? a bad day? how are your folks doing? the plans for your sister's wedding?

sometimes i wonder why we haven't talked in almost 2 1/2 months. did i do something i'm not aware of? apparently, that happens. but people don't often clue me in about it.

sometimes i wonder what i would have done differently if i could go back and do it again. they're not major things really. fanagled things so i could have stayed longer in the country to travel around more. gotten a job picking fruit. gone to the patio to smoke pot with some guys from the hostel when they invited me.

sometimes i remember things. sitting on your bed watching a movie with your girlfriend, while you sat in your chair and hollowed out an egg. watching soap operas one morning with your mom. sitting on the floor of a bathroom in a bed & breakfast, while you rubbed my shoulders then sat on the washer. sitting in the backseat of a car with a big wet dog curled up next to me. going to a birthday party two hours away, full of strangers, and me wearing clothes that i had been wearing for 4 days. drinking my first orange julius at the mall. going to boston pizza and laughing and having fun and drinking vodka. chasing chickens. having dinner with your family and your girlfriend, your folks even remembered than i'm a vegetarian and made fake meat for me to put on my tacos. i remember how you almost won a shit load on money on the way to the birthday party. i remember the doritos and the salsa. i remember all the silly questions..because i was a foreigner in your country.. of course there would be silly questions. i remember the confusion your girlfriend and i had while talking about her car.. i had no idea what a "standard" was..and then she explained it.. and a light went off in my head.. here we call it a manual or a "stick shift". i remember you complimenting me on my belt. i remember all the "eh" that were slipped into conversations and how it was natural. i remember how when you introduced me to the birthday girl, she said "ah, she's(you) been talking about you(me) non-stop for 3 months." and i remember looking at you and saying "really?" and you gave a little embarrassed grin and changed the topic.

sometimes i remember things. and i remember the fun we had (i had fun. did you? it seemed you did). but then i remember we haven't talked in months. i tried e-mailing you. sometimes i think i should try calling you. but, would it do any good? would you talk to me? would i be able to figure out what the problem is?

sometimes i remember when you've called me. you called me for my birthday. you said your girlfriend wanted to say "hi" to me, but that she was scared. i remember i was picking at a hole in the boots i was wearing. i remember telling you about the trick of putting a piece of bread in cookie jar with the (homemade) cookies to keep them soft. i remember you telling me about the dream you had.. in the dream, your girlfriend shot me.. and when you saw her in real life, you got mad at her for shooting me in the dream. i remember one night this summer, when you called me because i had been depressed... we talked on the phone for 3 hours.. i remember how you said you could hear the train whistle, and how surprised you sounded when i told you the train station was almost 2 miles away. i remembered how we just talked about the stupidest things. i remember how i had so much fun just talking about the stupidest things with you.

sometimes i remember things. sometimes i remember the sound of your voice. sometimes i remember what you looked like first thing in the morning.. looking cold and tired.. sitting there with your feet tucked up underneath yourself.. how you smiled at me and rolled your eyes at your mom when she was being motherly and offering me coffee and breakfast. sometimes i remember hearing you move around in your room.. while i laid on the futon in the room next to you..looking out at a sky so completely foreign, yet so completely..not.

sometimes i remember things. sometimes i wonder things. sometimes i wish i could talk to you. more than sometimes.